Cassette Tapes

Hunting season for me, is officially over and now it's time to change gears. I got Christmas decorations out of the shed and decorated a little.

While I was in the shed, I decided to throw away hundreds of cassette tapes I have been holding on too for over 20 years. I am not sure why I was keeping them, nostalgia mostly.

Dean thinks I'm a hoarder and I think a crate of cassette tapes may support his argument.... but not anymore.

It kinda hurt a little. I am still contemplating going through the trash to pick out a few favorites. My truck (which I rarely drive) has a cassette player. My Jeep has a cassette player too, but I usually by pass it and plug in my MP3 player.

It seems I may be able to rationalize a little dumpster diving tomorrow..... we'll see how strong I am.

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Hunting Season

It's amazing how much time and money is consumed with hunting, but I am having a great time hunting with my pops..... Dylan..... Steve and my husband when he is home...

Grandmas

Last summer, my mom worked on a special version of Que Sera and taught it to my sister’s kids, Hailey and Trevan.

THEIR SONG 

(may not be 100% accurate):

When I was just a little girl/boy

I asked my grandma what will I be

Will I be pretty/handsome will I be rich 

Here’s what she said to me

Que Sera Sera 

What ever will be will be

There’s one thing for sure

You’ll be special to me

When my sister’s mother-in-Law (the kid’s other grandma) was sick and in the hospital, Hailey and Trevan sang that same song to her. My sister recorded the singing as Trevan did his best to speed through the song while Hailey finished at a slower pace.

In the video, you can see how happy and grateful Ellen was to hear her two only grand children sing such a sweet custom song to her.

I don’t know if she knew my mom had taught them the song, I know she wouldn’t have cared either way, but I can bet that when my mom was teaching the kids the song she did not know what a true blessing that very song would bring to Ellen.

My mom loved Ellen very much and was happy to share her special song with the other grandma who’s days were numbered and every precious moment mattered more than we will ever know.

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Random Memory

A weird and random memory popped into my head today.

When I was in elementary school, mind you elementary school, there was a girl who rode the bus with me. She was sucking on a baby pacifier. I couldn't help but to stare, but I wasn't the only one staring. Someone asked her why she was sucking on a pacifier.

She pulled it from her mouth and said that it was to help her get off drugs. She did not laugh and was very serious about it.... 5th grade was the oldest she could have possibly been, unless- and this is probably the case - she repeated a grade or two, but either way it was disturbing and weird.

That's all I have to say about that random memory.

Life

Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.
Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we
should forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over
grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. Instead we should devote our time on worthwhile thoughts and actions. Life is like a roller coaster, live it, be happy, enjoy life.
Everyone in life is gonna hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain!






I am not sure who the author is, someone posted it on facebook and said they didn't know who the author was, but it was too good to ignore.... 

The good ones die young

I don’t think I will ever fully grasp the extent of all Ellen’s illnesses. When I first met her over 10 years ago, she had just beat breast cancer. Since then she has had one thing after another happen to her health and this is not to mention all the things she has been through before I knew her.

I am sad my ultimate prayer for a miracle was not answered, but when I think about it, Ellen has had so many miracles over the years. She was blessed with life over and over again as life threatening illness attacked her over and over again, she was blessed with two strong beautiful boys, one of which provided her with two perfect grandbabies. Her life was filled with miracles.

There will be no more heartache, no more pain for a woman who has endured more than her fair share of both.

The bravest person I know passed away yesterday at 11:20 a.m. Ellen was only 54 years old.

“The good ones die young”.

Please!

If you believe in prayer, please pray. If you believe in fasting, please fast. If you believe in


faith, please have faith that our Heavenly Father will heal Ellen Fry. Doctors have failed her and


now it's time for us to lift her up to the Lord so that he will hear our cries and save a woman


who is too young die. To know her is to love her. Please Please Please Lord heal her.

43 Pounds

After I got married I gained 43 pounds. I was already disappointed in myself for weighing as much as I did when I got married. I did not think I could possibly get any bigger than my heaviest I have ever been on my wedding day.

I am not depressed or feeling bad for myself because 2 years ago (1 year after I got married and gained 43 pounds) I started calorie counting. I didn't focus on loosing weight, only on documenting what I ate and how many calories I was consuming.

As of today, I have lost 36 pounds. It has been a long road, and I plan on staying on this path....pretty much for the rest of my life because lets face it, it's not going to get any easier.

Sometimes I get sad because this summer I know like 4 people who have lost a ton of weight and are looking pretty fantastic and I am still in slow-mo land, but ultimately I believe in the process and myself. I am glad for their success as well as mine;)

Now lets eat..... jk

9/11

I don't have much to say about this 10th anniversary of 9/11 that has not been said on television and articles everywhere.

I am pretty sure we all remember where we were and what we were doing when we heard of the horrible news. I am also sure that to many, much like myself, it still feels like it happened yesterday.

I just want to take a moment to thank the good Lord for all the heroes that emerged from the tragedy and my heart goes out to the family of those who died.

9/11 should weigh on all our hearts everyday and then maybe we could set aside our own petty differences and get along with one another.

We are all American's under God... we all love strong and deep, so may today be a reminder of bigger things and may we have perspective on what really matters.

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Things are different

It's hard to write when I'm overwhelmed with words and thoughts. 

I got back from Tucson a little over a week ago and I returned home with a different sort of feeling. I can feel the fall in the air and hunting season just on the horizon, but it feels different this year. I think my time in Arizona changed me in a small way. 

I discovered a lot about my family, myself and my friends. Not all the things I discovered were good, but a lot of it was and it left me longing to go back to the Southwest in the near future.

In my short stint in Arizona I discovered that just because your family is your family doesn't mean they have to be friends. I love my family very much, but if they make me feel bad for being me than I want to do a better job surrounding myself with people that love me unconditionally the way I love them.

I discovered I have friends and family that accept me for me and love me and find me interesting (words from a great friend named Eddie) just the way I am. I am going to spend less time with those who make me feel bad or those who are negative and too busy pointing fingers at me to see they have the same flaws they accuse me of having.

I feel a veil has been lifted and all though much ugly has been exposed, there was so much beauty and loyalty exposed too.... and that make me very happy. 

My heart goes out to those I got to know better during my Tucson trip: Sarah and Eric T., Ken S., David D., Crystal D., Pocket and her husband, Tom and Brenda, Becky T., Chris B., Barbara (Tyrel's Aunt), Steve, Marina and their kids, Grandma and pa Turner, Mikey Blackwell, Eddie, Amber and even Robert P. whom I did not get the chance to see- but I still adore, Patricia B.and her family, Kelly L. and her family, Lisa, Paul and Catrina, and Kenny P.      

If you feel you should be on this list, please accept my apology for not including you.           

Jenny I am so sorry we couldn't come see you. You are always on my list of favorite people.

I am not sure if those listed above even know how much I needed their friendship and love, but you helped me get through a very tough time and I will never forget it. Thank you all for being so great to me;)

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The Big Dipper

Earlier tonight, Dean and I were in the jeep driving home from watching a movie with my sister and Tyrel (her husband), when I looked up and noticed the big dipper. I told Dean that the big dipper will always remind me of my dad. He asked why.

I told him of a time many years ago when I lived with my mom after my parent‘s divorce. My mom and I had gotten into another fight and once again I was torn between living with her and my dad. I had called my dad over that night so he would pick me up so I could stay with him.

While I waited for my dad to come, I remember my sister and I crying and holding each other in the hallway. She told me that she loved me and wanted to go with me, but she didn’t know if she wanted stay with mom or go with me to dad’s.

When my dad came, I went outside to meet him. I was upset and still crying. My dad was and still is not good with that sort of stuff, so he directed his attention to the stars. He showed me where the big dipper was and talked about what he knew of other stars that shined above us.

I later connected that conversation with my dad as his way of distracting and helping me through a tough time. It was his way of saying I’m sorry it’s got to be this way and I love you.

Since that night and ‘til my last night on earth, I will always be reminded of my dad when I see that big dipper.

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WHITE KNIGHTS

There's this house down my street on the corner, it looks pretty normal, but then there's this truck parked out toward the main street beside the house, it is not normal.

It has a huge American flag raised in the bed of the truck, then there is a slightly smaller confederate flag also raised in the bed of the truck and then to top it off the bumper has the words WHITE KNIGHTS printed very obvious and big.

I am not 100% sure what the WHITE KNIGHTS means exactly, but I am pretty sure they are trying to make some white power stand.

My question to them is.... if you wanted to make a stand, why would you choose to do it here in North Idaho where almost everybody is white?

Why don't they go to the south side of Tucson where I'm from, and then sport that racist crap to make their stand... let's see how long they last down there where not everybody is white?

I can not stand racism, it's a pet peeve of mine, I dislike racist attitudes, jokes and comments. I got my ass kicked growing up because I was a white girl.  Imagine how bad it would have been if I was racist and sported prejudice paraphernalia, I would have gone from getting beat up to being killed.

I hate seeing that stupid truck, but when I do see it, I think of all my friends and family who are not white and I love them just a little bit more..... every time.

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He did not win

He injured and killed innocent people, but he did not win.

She received a huge warm welcome as she entered the building. I think if we were there we would have all joined in as tears, cheering and clapping filled the floor of the House of Representatives today.

Our prayers have been answered and all though we lost innocent beloved people, we gained a miracle. Her strength and endurance is stronger and bigger than the evil that caused so much devastation last January in Tucson.

He did not win.

Today's Ride

I went riding this afternoon at Liberty Lake ORV Park in Washington. Before I left home, I told Dean where I would be and around when I would be back so he could make phone calls if I did not return.

Dean had said this park was kinda hard, but when I asked him if I could do it, he said "you should be okay". Well I was not okay. It was freakin hard core. I would have really been screwed if there wasn't a really nice guy and his son there to help guide me up the mountain the easiest way (which was not so easy).

When we got to a big junction, they took off and rode and said they would check on me from time to time (which they did) and they said to flag them down if I needed anything. I was so glad to know that there were nice people to help me if needed, since almost all of it was difficult terrain.

So I took a shot in the dark and picked a trail to ride up. I found an easy trail and rode it for a ways and then took other trails that looked easy, but I did get into a couple pickles and had to walk my bike down a few steep, rocky and rutted spots. I'd like to think that if I would have attempted to ride down them, I would have hurt myself pretty bad (this way of thinking helps me to not feel like a wuss for walking the bike down the tough stuff).

There was one trail that had a two foot drop coming off a rock, I was already committed so I went for it. I imagined the front tire diving into the ground and me fling over the handle bars, but it was fine. I rode over it with no problems.

On my way back down about 3 hours later, I ran into a flock of turkeys (that was pretty cool).

The two guys where wrapping things up and getting ready to go home by the time I was done riding. I thanked them and told the dad that he was really helpful because it would have been even more scary if he hadn't of been there.

I almost wonder if the dad and his son were there on that day and time because the Lord was looking out for me.................I'd like to think so.

**I took this picture as I was walking my bike down a stupid steep hill. I tried to make light of how hard it actually was. If you look close you can see sweat beads all over my face... ewww...**

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Please help me

There are a handful of people that I talk bad about. I'm not proud of that fact, I just can't stand these people or what they do, or how they treat me... so I vent and go off for short and long periods of time talking bad about them.

I know people talk bad about me; for example, there is a girl, who hates everything about me and she makes sure that I know it. Therefore, logically I talk bad about her because I feel she is a complete idiot for being so cruel and evil to me.

The point to this blog is that I need help to rise above my bad habits and the people that talk bad about me.I want to be better. I have been praying for a while about it but I think I need more prayer from whom ever may be reading this now.

Please pray that I will not need to talk bad about anyone and that I may speak good things or nothing at all.

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Life Long Friend

Dean says he only wants one kid, when and if we decide to try again. I don't know how many... if any ...or what I will think later, but one sounds okay.

For years I have been asking parents of only children, what they thought of having one child. The common response is that they should have had two instead of just one. One reason was so that they can play and learn from each other, the other reason (this is what bothered me the most) is that when they are gone, the child will not have anybody.

Both are great reasons and I totally understand where they are coming from because I am lucky... when I am 90 and my parents have finally died I will still have a 92 year old brother and an 88 year old "baby" sister. So I get it.

The only thing I can think of to do whether Dean and I have one or five kids is to raise them to know and love the Lord Jesus Christ because he is the only one who will be there for them from day one to day done.

There have been so many times in my life when nobody, not my brother, my sister, my mom or dad have been able to relate or understand the things I have been through and the only reason I did not turn to drugs or alcohol is because I had my Savior to turn too.

If Dean and I decide to start a family, we will see where that leads.......... if Dean and I have twins, then we are in a heap of trouble......... if Dean and I have only one child we will do our best to educate our child on the life long friend they have in Jesus so they are never ever alone.

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My husband loves me...and I he...

I try very hard not to be materialistic, but sometimes "things" can really add to happiness. 

Dean is the bread winner in our family and he works very hard for us. As a photographer, I don't bring in the big bucks not to mention it's a part-time seasonal job. He allows me to do what I love for work and play.

I was honestly fine with my 1985 two stroke Honda, but Dean wanted me to ride something nicer, so he got me a 2009 four stroke Honda.

Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve all that he gives me, but I chose wisely and carefully and I did not settle for anybody who didn't let me be me. He has his faults and so do I, but there is nobody else for me in this world and let me tell you, I spent a lot of time looking... which gives me perspective on how precious Dean is.

I had faith I would find him and just when I wanted to give up, the Lord provided me with more happiness than I would have ever imagined.

I thank the Lord for my husband and the unconditional love he provides for me.... oh ya and my sweet ass dirt bike:)

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No more Pain

Turns out gluten is the cause of my severe unexplainable pain... My dad has been telling me for a while that I may have a sensitivity to gluten because he does, but I didn't want to believe it.

Guess what... I have a serious problem digesting gluten... When I don't have gluten, I don't have pain. The good news is that now I know and with some discipline I can be pain free, the bad news is that I can't have me some biscuits and gravy or grilled cheese on white bread or ...and this is the worst... tortillas:(

........................

I caught myself....

talking to a fly today.

This morning, I noticed a huge fly kept ramming itself into the mirror in the bathroom. I said out loud to the fly,

"It's okay, I see how you  would keep doing that, because it looks like there's another room in there, doesn't it? I get it."

It was then that I realized I really miss Dean...

I need someone to talk too around the house. I don't want anymore one sided conversations with flies.

Everyone Woman Should....

Last year, I did vanity pictures for an awesome gal I really think is great. She told me it was liberating and fun and every woman should have some taken, so I took her advice. I had her and my sister come over and take some photos of me for Dean's 3 year wedding anniversary gift. 

A part of me didn't want to do them because I didn't look the way I wanted or I felt like I was too big to do something like this, but I shook all my insecurities with the help of Crown Royal and Red Bull, Crown Royal and soda, Crown Royal and diet soda, some Mike's Hard Lemon Aid.... and we went for it...

I had so much fun and if you're reading this and want your own pics done... call me, it just so happens I'm a photographer:)

My relationship with...

my grill.

Before I met Dean, I grilled like I had no stove or oven. I grilled like it was the only way of life, I grilled like... okay you get it, I grilled a lot.

When I met Dean, he sort of took over the grill (like most men I dated). I missed that old thing as Dean spent more and more time with it than I did. It was like a love that was forbidden, it was like a love that must never be, it was like.... okay you get it, I missed the grill.

Anyway... Dean is outta town and I am back to my old ways.... Lovin it!







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Did you see it?

Yesterday was Father's Day and I spent time with my dad, brother and brother-in-law. They are all fathers and I could see just a glimmer of proud in their eyes. Men are awesome, they are so different than woman in so many ways.

Over the years I have noticed that some woman (not all) expect certain things on Mother's Day and often complain about how they wished they could have done this or that, but men are different. It seems men don't expect much so they are thankful for less. I didn't hear one complaint about how the day ended up or how they wanted this or that to happen.

On my way home from my dad's house I saw Father's Day BBQ events, people gathered together to celebrate their dads; as I rubber necked several of these events I could tell which men were dads because they just had that happy look on their face.

I am not sure if anybody noticed the look, but next year, if you remember, look at your dad or other dads on father's day and you will see it, the look of joy and happiness that they are dads. I saw it, did you?

I just don't care

Jolenda and I went to a late night movie last night. It was very fun, we really don't spend enough time together without kids. Thanks Tyrel for watching them so we could have some sister time.

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So anyway, this guy was talking to us in the snack line and asked us what we were gonna get. There were two answers to this question... One answer would be like: "a little snack"... and that was if I was single and not married. My answer was:" I'm gonna tear it up".

He told me that we couldn't carry much... There were two ways to reply to that comment... One reply would be, "oh we'll manage"... and that was if I was single and not married. My answer was: "It's all good, I can turn my shirt into a bowl by flipping out the edges and load it up".

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True Story.....

You'd be Surprised

Since Dean has been gone, I have had vehicle problems three times. I have been stranded at a grocery store, stuck at home and parked in a neighborhood waiting for my uncle to come help me.

You'd be surprised at how many awesome people there are in Hayden, Idaho. One gal offered to stay with me because a man was helping me jump my battery and she wanted me to have the option of having her there to make me feel more comfortable. I took her up on her offer and I thanked her redundantly.

I do not have a cell phone and everyone I talked too had no problem letting me use their phone to call for help. I never had to wait for very long before some nice person would offer help. This makes me very happy, the car problems - not so much.

The jeep is finally officially fixed (for now). My back up vehicle, the Ford 150, needs a new radiator and I am not going to touch it 'til Dean gets back because I am so frustrated with all the mechanical problems I've been having.

The moral of this short tail is that you'd be surprised to know how many awesome people there are in this world just willing to help, I was.

Today is her Someday

Pregnant and married at 15, she dropped out of school to start a family. She's suffered through being a child of an alcoholic, being one of five children, and suffering the loss of her brother before she even turned 30. She has  done her best to raise three kids while she raised herself. She's always worked hard and saved to get the things she's wanted out of life.

Going St. Lucia has been my mom's dream for a long while. I remember many years ago my mom talking about how Kelly Ripa and her husband go vacation at St. Lucia and how she would love to go there someday.

Today is her someday, I am glad she has Ken to share in her dreams becoming a reality. I wish her well on her trip and pray she comes back healthy and safe with lots of memories and pictures.

She deserves her dream vacation.

A little bit sad

Dean and I went to a Hot Springs Resort last week and had a great time. We had a heart to heart discussion on our future and if we should try again to have a baby.

He said that he wanted to try again as soon as I was ready and then he said that if we didn't have a baby we would be okay. I started to cry and get upset at the thought of never having a baby. It was really hard for me to process that possibility.

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I have had some pretty serious abdominal pain that started shortly after my miscarriage and the doctors don't know why or what it is. The pain has gotten a lot better over the past few months and I have faith the Lord will eventually completely heal me. When the pain is all gone, Dean and I will try again.

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When I was a freshman in high school I said no to pot offered to me on the school bus because I wanted to tell my child that I had will power, and they can too.

When I chose not to drink alcohol 'til I was 22 it was because I wanted to tell my child that under aged drinking was wrong so I waited, and they can too.

When I dated and dated and never settled, I wanted to tell my child to never settle because I never settled and ended up meeting the right one for me (Dean), and they can too.

When I am all better and my faith in my Lord Jesus Christ has endured, and I have my child, I will tell him or her that I had faith in the Lord, and they can too.

Dean to the Rescue!

So, remember that screwy situation? You know.. where I, for the life me, couldn't budge that screw on my jeep? Well about a week ago, I called my uncle Quinn to come take a look and to see if I was just a wimpy girl or if it really was on there good.

He tried lots of different things to break the screw free. We didn't do anything drastic because we wanted to wait for Dean to come home and weigh in on the situation. So, since Quinn came and reassured me that I wasn't a total wuss, we left it alone 'til Dean got home.

Dean broke a torx bit trying to get it off, but he broke it loose. When he got another bit and gave it another go, it was off within seconds. He couldn't figure out why Quinn and I couldn't get it (that was annoying and a bit insulting) but he got it off and that was all that mattered.

So in conclusion, I am a wimp. Quinn, I love you but what the heck??? JK....

I guess Dean is just that good????

Things I miss

I miss the days when my dad still talk to his mom and we'd see her on a regular basis.

I miss being little and oblivious to the family problems that surrounded me.

I miss my grandpa and wish he could have met my nephew who carries his 4th generation name.

I miss granny and grand daddy who always showed great love for my family.

I miss when my dad would pick me up from school with his motorcycle.

I  miss the days when the Blackwells would gather around grandma and grandpa's fire pit and talk for hours and hours while us kids would play.

I miss Chapel in the Hills where I got baptized and met so many great people.

I miss Christmas at grandma and grandpa Turner's house.

I miss Mervyns Department Store.

I miss the smell Monsoons in Tucson.

I miss the Conyers. You couldn't ask for better neighbors.

I miss Friday nights when my mom would bring home pizza after work.

I miss my mom.

I won't give up

I was driving home from Spokane last night and my jeep started to miss and run like crap. It stalled at an intersection and luckily it fired up again so I was able to make it home, but it had me pretty stressed out. So I went to my uncle Mike's house today to do a diagnostic check. 

He helped me identify that I needed to do a tune up and also change the Throttle Positioning Sensor and I should be good to go.

So I got the parts I needed and started to get to work. The tune up was pretty easy, but changing the sensor was another story. I did the tune up first because I thought it would be harder than the sensor change. The sensor has two screws and all I had to do was change out the sensor. Sounds easy right? Wrong.

It's funny how when you're feeling pretty good about something, something else always knocks you down.

I had a million hex wrenches to work with, but zero torx so I had to borrow one from the neighbor. He was great and let me borrow a torx bit. I used it and I also broke it. I had to give it back to him busted up. The screws were rusted tight, but I managed to loosen one.  The other one would not budge, therefore breaking his bit.

Then I went and bought a torx key set and torx bits and tried again. No Luck. I spent a long time trying and trying again to break the screw loose, but nothing. At this point I am really really missing Dean.

I sprayed some WD40 on the screw and I will try again tomorrow, but I will not give up.

I will love you anyway

I've loved you for long long time. I have thought of you and imagined what you will become since Dean's big brown eyes came into my life and I knew he was the one for me.

I've loved you for so long, I can't imagine my life without you. It's hard to have patience and wait for you and sometimes I wonder if you will ever come, but I will love you anyway.

I see you in my three nephews and one niece. I see you in their laughter and love for me. I see you in Dean's eyes and personality. I imagine you to be great and special like the four other children in my life.

I have loved you for so long, I am saddened you are not here, but when it's time, I will be here waiting with arms wide open.

I am here, you are there, but I've loved you for a long long time.

The End of The World

According to the news, there are a small group of people who believe tomorrow will be the Apocalypse, the rapture, the Armageddon, the end.

I don't really believe that tomorrow (my nephew's birthday) will be the end, mostly because I believe that when the end is here and Jesus comes back, it will be when we least expect it, "like a thief in the night". Although, you never know...........

My mind says there is no way tomorrow is the end, but my stomach has butterflies. I have a bit of anxiety,  fear that if the Lord does come tomorrow, I will not be ready.

I fear God in the way I feared my parents as a child when I did something wrong. I knew there were consequences for my actions with my parents, just as I know that without mercy and forgiveness there will be consequences for my sins.

I honestly doubt tomorrow is the end, but if it is, I pray for forgiveness and mercy on my soul.

But, if it's not the end, may I live each day as if it were the last and pray more, love more and do more to represent Christ.

I take you with me

When I hunt, I think of my dad because I share his passion and he took me when I was growing up.

When I ride my dirt bike I think of Bobby because he has supported and encouraged me to ride with him.

When I give, I think of my mom because she gives generously.

When I bake, I think of Jolenda because she loves to share her baked goodies.

When I braid my hair, I think of my grandma because she taught me how.

When I buy little gifts for people, I think of Becky, because she has taught me (by example) to take a minute and get someone a little something if you can.

When I loan things out, I think of Tyrel because he has loaned me many things throughout the years and I appreciate all his help.

When I go grocery shopping, I think of Cheryl because she loves to shop for food and cook for others.

Everyday, no matter what I do I take a little bit of everyone I know with me. Thank you all for giving me gifts that last long after the giving.

All I know is that I don't want to go, not yet.

I have a tough time with the thought of dying.

I know older people (older than me and well past 65) that seem to have excepted the fact that they are in or are approaching the winter of their life. I often wonder if it's because they have experienced the death of parents, uncles/aunts, husband/wife, siblings and friends or if they have just excepted the inevitable.

I also wonder if maybe they believe they will get to see their loved ones again, so this helps with the process.

I love the Lord Jesus Christ very much and I want to be with him always... in life and death, but excepting the concept of death is hard for me, as I am sure it is for other people.

Maybe I don't want to go because of all my sins, maybe because I am not sure the Lord will take me, maybe because I feel I have way too much to change and work on to die any time soon..... I don't know exactly.

All I do know is that if I out live my parents, uncles/aunts, husband, brother or sister, and friends, I may become more open minded to dying because I can't imagine life without them.

God's Children

It occurred to me long ago, that we are all God's children.

Therefore, when someone is annoying, selfish, stupid, dumb, delusional, oblivious, rude, mean and basically human.....    

I try to tell myself....

"Jesus loves this person, they are my family in Christ. Jesus loves this person, they are my family in Christ. Jesus loves this person, they are my family in Christ. Jesus loves this person, they are my family in Christ.

again again over and over.

I am still having a problem absorbing this realization, but one day it will click and I will have love, patience and kindness for all God's children.

I have a very small house, but it doesn't leak.

As the rain keeps falling relentlessly, I took a moment this morning to check for leaks in my ceiling. I sighed with relief when I didn't find any.

I remember the old trailer we use to live in as a child and how when it rained hard, the windows and roof would start to leak. As a child, it didn't really bother me much unless the drip was over my bed. As an adult, I think about my parents and the stress they must have felt with every leak, water soaked spot in the carpet and the seeping ceiling from the weight of the accumulating water on the roof.

My parents didn't have much money, but yet we always had a bed to sleep in, food, shelter and lots of toys. They managed to always make sure every holiday was filled with gifts and love. They had their marital issues, but they loved each other and they loved us.

Now, my mom and dad are states away from each other and are living in nice homes that don't leak. They provide love, safety and security for their grand babies and you would never guess that they were poor and stressed over holidays and leaky ceilings.

My brother lives in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife, 2 perfect boys and do not worry about leaky ceilings. My sister is living in a huge house with her gorgeous family in a house that doesn't leak.

My parents made mistakes, but they did their best, and in their situation, getting married and raising kids so young, I am sure I could not have done better. Thanks Mom and Dad for making sure we always had God, a roof over our head and food to eat.

If I didn't grow up in a leaky trailer, I am pretty sure I would not have given a thought about how fortunate I am to live in a house that does not leak and all the security that comes with that simple fact.

Life is hard and I have lots of things to worry about, but I live in a house that doesn't leak.

Let all glory be to God!

You name it, we got it.

Dean pointed out something while Jolenda was giving him a massage yesterday.

He noted that our family has a very diverse range of making a living.

My dad- Assembler / Machine Operator
My mom- House Cleaner / Realtor
My brother- Fabricator / Supervisor / Teacher
My sister- Massage Therapist
Me- Photographer

Then we noticed how even more diverse our family is when we branch out to extended family.

My grandpa- Auto Mechanic  / Carpenter
My grandma- Home Maker / Baby Sitter
My aunt- Secretary
My uncle- Engineer
My uncle- Produce Manager
Two of My uncles- Heavy Equipment Operators
My Aunt- Loan Officer / Manager
My uncle- Machinist
My husband- Truck Driver / Asphalt Laborer
My step mom- Customer Service
My step dad- Law Enforcement / Counselor
My brother in law- Fork Lift Operator
My sister in law- Full Time Student / Future Health Provider

In conclusion: My family could run a small town as long as we wait to get sick and don't need a farmer.

Venting Tool

It is so hard not to use this blog as a venting tool. I have a little bit, here and there (trust me, I held back). I want this blog to be a positive thing with well wishes to those I love, and stories about my life that are funny and filled with love. Thus the LOVE + LAUGHTER = LIFE. It's just hard not to vent about random things that happen or people that annoy me.

I know everybody has the same issues I have, I know everybody has tough times and I know everybody has someone or many people that drive them nuts. I know I am not alone, so I will save my venting for Dean or Jolenda and I will save this blog for Love, Laughter and other key elements to life... unless I just can't help myself and I vent here anyway:)

My Beautiful Cousins

Deborah: Interesting (as I remember as a child), beautiful and bold.

Crystal: Intelligent (as I remember as a child), beautiful and shy.

Ilene: Sweet, beautiful and modest.

Shay: Adorable, beautiful and sarcastic. (I love and relate to sarcasm)

Olivia: Fun (as I remember as a child), beautiful and tough.

Tasha: Funny (as I remember as a child), beautiful and content.

Gwen: Wild (as I remember as a child), beautiful and bright.

Catrina: Outgoing, beautiful and loving.

Tracy: Awesome, beautiful and unique.

Mikey: Smart, beautiful and clever.

Cheyene: Simple, beautiful and always smiling.

Today's Blog is dedicated to all my beautiful cousins. I may not live close and I am horrible at calling, but please know that I love and adore each and everyone of you. I miss and think about you all.

Never Grow Old

My mom use to have Easter baskets and eggs to hide for us up 'til Jolenda left home. The last few years, were pretty hard core.   Jolenda, Bobby and I would race to find the eggs, shake and toss the ones that were candy and go on to the next egg with hopes it would have money inside.

I remember several times Bobby and I would physically try and box each other out (basket ball term) to get an egg. Oh such good times.

Well today, I had to work and my co-workers wouldn't hide any eggs for me. All they wanted to do was work.... Lame!

Today, I thank my mom and dad for years of joyous Easters, my brother and sister for healthy competition in finding the eggs and God for sending Jesus to die for our sins.

Jesus is my Lord and Savior and I thought about him all day and how awesome it must have been to have witnessed his resurrection.

Happy Easter and may we never grow old and never forget to have fun and always thank the Lord for all our many blessings.

Keeping up with the boys

I don't know why I have this desire to keep up with the boys. It might have all started when I was young and all I wanted to do was whatever my brother did. If he played cars in the dirt, I played cars in the dirt. If he rode his bike, I rode my bike. If he ate dog food, I ate dog food.

I work a very physically laboring job and it just so happens that the person I work the most with is a strong, healthy 21 year old man. He is a hard worker and for some reason I find myself, not competing, but trying to hold my own next to him. I do pretty well, considering I am 32, heavy and have a bad back and two bad knees. I just can't pace myself or separate the fact that I am not built like a man (not that I want to be).

Trying and doing boy things is how I hurt my knees and back to begin with. I just don't know how to be any other way. I wouldn't trade the fun I've had with the boys for anything not even two good knees. I loved playing ball with my brother and the guys, I love doing all these "boy" things, I just need to find a balance because I am going to hurt myself again and I need to be smart if I ever want a little NayNay or Deano in the future.

Scapegoat

There are so many sayings that we say today that I have no idea where they came from. Today, I discovered where the word scapegoat came from and what it originally meant.

I was reading the old testament where God was telling Moses how to keep the Israelites clean and holy. A portion included when God was giving instructions on how to take a goat and place all the sins of the people on it, and send it away from the Israelites.

The goat allowed their sins to literally be taken away through a scapegoat.

* I hope my summery with lack of details does not insult those who can recall the details of this story better.

Spark

Zach sparked something inside of me on Saturday...... He let me ride his dirt bike.

It has been several years since I have been able to ride and he was nice enough to let me ride his. I needed help and I was a little pathetic to start (I could barely touch my toes to the ground) but when I finally took off, all the memories started flooding in at once.

When I was living in Tucson I had an old dirt bike I use to ride around the desert. It was fun and I loved it, but after it got stolen out of my yard, I never replaced it. I have however, had the opportunity to ride a few different bikes over the years.

I use to ride a dirt bike that could only be started by popping the clutch while going down hill because the kick start was broke. I had many hours of riding on that one. Then Noah let me ride his whenever I wanted and I love that, he even let me take him for a ride or two.

Weeks ago, my brother had told me Will, Zach and Deidre were all out riding and having fun on their bikes and I have to admit, I was jealous and mad at the creep who stole my bike, but it made me start thinking of my past riding experiences.

Sometimes I have dreams that I am riding everywhere on a bike. I love it, and I had almost forgotten how much I loved it, until Will started talking to my brother about getting a bike. Now my brother and I are starting to talk about the fun we've had on our bikes. My sister is even thinking about getting one.

The strangest part to all of this is that Dean has had a dirt bike as long as I've known him and I have told him about my bike and the other bikes I've rode, but we still have not been riding together.

For years, Dean and I have had a plan to buy two dirt bikes with the money we get from selling his bike after we got it paid off................................ The timing for this new found spark is perfect because after 5 years together, we finally have his dirt bike paid off...........................

I Forget

I forget how lucky I am to be born me.

Sometimes I feel like I was born with the worst of my parent's genes. I feel sorry for myself because I have aches and pains, high blood pressure, poor vision, bad knees - and the list goes on and on.

But then, I remember I was not born with any diseases, disabilities, deformities, developmental issues - and the list goes on and on.

Sometimes I forget how we don't get to choose our parents, the genes we get and the country we're born in.

But then, I remember I was born healthy to parents who love me in a country where I am free.

Lord, please forgive me taking my life for granted, sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be born me.

The Plague

Have you ever been sick and been made to feel like you have the plague because people are sooooo scared to catch what you have?

If  you are one of the people who have treated me this way, don't worry I still love you, I just want to explore this issue.

It seems everybody has an excuse as to why they can't get sick, I get it. Nobody likes to get sick, it sucks. I am sick now (thus the motivation on the topic) and I am miserable so I understand.

However, I find it interesting that most people who treat others like they have the plague when they are sick are either older and their kids have not been around for a long long time or they just plain don't have kids.

I don't have kids either and I certainly take percautions when I am around sick kids and adults, but I make an active effort not treat them like they have the plague because let's face it, we are all going to get sick sooner or later anyway.

I feel like the Lord blesses caregivers, mommies, daddies and people who do not treat other people like they have the plague when they are sick. I feel like there are little blessings that come with setting yourself aside and not obsessing over getting sick by treating people different because they are sick.

If have offended anyone, it's because you are one of those people who have some excuse as to why you just can't get sick, I get it. I still love you, I'm just sayin.....

Chick Flicks

Since Dean has been gone, I have been renting chick flicks like nobody's business. I have laughed, cried and been in touch with my deepest of emotions.      It has been AWESOME!!

Dean is one of those guys (much like many other men) who does not want to watch chick flicks, I think it's because he doesn't want to cry (much like many other men).

I can go in out of our movie rental place in like 3 minutes, because there are so many movies I have not been able to watch. I should really pace myself because my eyes are red and I am emotionally drained, but I feel like I must - opposite of soldier - on.

I also have the sudden desire to buy a pair of pumps (which I never ever wear) and a cute pencil skirt (which I never ever wear).

Not Today

When my family of my youth lived together, I took it for granted.
When my best friend and I spent time together, I took it for granted.
When my days began and ended with basketball, I took it for granted.
When my grandma and grandpa just lived down the street, I took it for granted.
When my body was young and full of energy, I took it for granted.
When my knees were strong and unscathed, I took it for granted.

I often think of all the things and many more, I have taken for granted over the years, it makes me stop and think of all I have to be greatful for today.

I won't take today for granted, not the cozy house I live in, not the running vehicle I drive, not the love I have and feel for and from others, nothing will I take for granted today.

Each drop of rain on this wet cold day will remind me of all things I have, and will not be taking for granted. Not today.

Blog

Does "Blog" mean random thoughts? Does it mean I can write about anything and everything I want? Does it mean there are no boundaries or rules? What is a "Blog"? An on-line journal? Journal of thoughts?

I hope I am not violating the "Blog" code by writing all these crazy random thoughts and experiences. It doesn't really matter if I am not following the "Blog" code, but if I am not doing it right, can we call this something else?

Have you ever gone to the movies by yourself?

Trust me, don't ever go to a funny movie by yourself.

I have gone to the movies a couple times by myself, mostly just to prove my independence to myself.

The problem with watching a funny movie by yourself is that you don't realize how much you look at the person or people you came with during funny parts (maybe to see if their laughing too).

I remember feeling so stupid looking to my right during a funny part and expected to see a laughing friend, instead I either saw nothing or a random stranger that I just made uncomfortable because they didn't find it funny and I was the only one laughing.

I'm just sayin'.... don't see a funny movie by yourself.... Awkward, I tell you, Awkward.

I am Thinking of Jenny

I remember how I always looked up to our preacher's daughter, Jennifer. She was so fun and pretty. She taught me how to gleak, I can never repay her for teaching me such a wonderful thing. My sister wishes she would have kept that one to herself.

She was always so out-going and had so many friends. I admired her spirit and she embraced me like she did with everyone.

I don't know too many people that I meshed as well with. We use to do cart wheels, dance (like little dorks), go camping, do church things, spend the night at each other's houses. It was so much fun, she was so much fun.

After my parents got a divorce, we stopped going to church. I went to a different school and I lost touch with her. I always thought about her and wondered what she was up too.

Now, we are in contact again and she is as sweet and kind as she ever was. I am so glad to have friend like her in my life.

Jennifer you will forever be a part of my fondest memories of childhood.

Front Brakes

So I have a serious problem. I habitually use the front brakes on any bike. I have flipped on my old dirt bike many times using the front brake, I have flipped on my friend's dirt bike using the front brake. I have flipped on bicycles using the front brake.

Dean doesn't like to ride bikes with me because I embarrassed him one time when I flipped my bike while riding with him - guess how. Why do I do this? You would think with all the pain and embarrassment I have caused myself I would learn not to use the front brake.

I'm like the rat in the experiment that continually gets shocked getting the cheese over and over again. My cheese is that front brake, I just gotta use it.

Going to the Gym Then and Now

If you have ever been over weight and been to a public gym, this one is for you.

If you have never been over weight - YOU SUCK!    JK  seriously  JK

So, when I was younger and went to the gym to tone up - not to try and loose 70 pounds - it was easy to walk through the gym and not worry about anyone but myself cause I knew I belonged there as much as anybody else. When I would work out, I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirrors and be pretty happy watching myself as I worked out because I looked good doing it (so I thought anyway).

Now a days... It is a long walk from the door to the locker room, I feel like people are watching me- judging me. "How did she let herself go like that?" I imagine them thinking. It's hard to be confident and keep my chin up when miss hottie is running on the treadmill in front of me, with her fake n' bake tan and perfect figure.

I am sure nobody notices me to even think anything about me, but being over weight is hard and being over weight and going to a public gym surrounded by hard bodies is even harder. I am a strong cookie though. I have a lot of character these days that I did not have when I was young and in-shape, so I plan to loose the weight and keep the character.

Kids and Jesus

I am thinking of Hailey (my 3 year old niece) and how she told me last week that God was in her heart. A week or so before that, she wanted to pray while we were eating at Golden Corral.

I am thinking of lil Bobby (my 5 year old nephew) and how he whispered in my ear that he loved me, “but not more than Jesus, because we are suppose to love Jesus more and that’s the truth”.

I am thinking of Trevan (my 6 year old nephew) who sat patiently with Dean and I one Sunday morning. Instead of playing video games or watching cartoons, we read bible stories. Not only was he interested in the stories, but he was familiar with them and even answered questions at the end of each story.

I am thinking of Avery (my 3 year old nephew) who sits still, holds a hand and does his best not to take a bite of food while daddy or lil Bobby says a prayer before we eat.

I am so happy my brother, sister, Becky and Tyrel are raising their kids to love the Lord. I couldn’t be more proud of them. I thank God for Jesus and my AWESOME family!

Who Cares if I have a Cell Phone!

I do not have a cell phone, I don't want a cell phone. If I'm not home, I'm not home. What did we all do before cell phones? I remember, we got by without them.

I keep getting pressure from people about getting a cell phone. I had one for like 3 months when they first became a practical size. I hated watching my minutes and people calling while was out and feeling like I had to use it cause it was there. I was young and thought it was cool at first and then I bought out my contract and have not looked back.

I wouldn't have a home phone either if it weren't for family and my photography gigs. I don't see why people can't be happy with that. I just don't get how me not having a cell phone affects other people. Hey, I'm just sayin....

Yes, for those of you who know the story, "A cell phone can call a cell phone."

Manufacturing

While I was going to college to be a Fish and Game Warden, I started working at a machine shop. I got laid off and finished up my associates degree. I wanted an associates of Science to better fit my path to be a Fish and Game Warden, but I really wanted to move away from Tucson (there will be another blog someday on why I wanted to move). So I settled for a Liberal Arts degree because it was easier, and moved to North Idaho where my brother and dad lived.

Since I have been in the great Northwest I have worked in manufacturing because I had the most experience in it and it payed okay. I can't knock it because I met my husband at a manufacturing facility. Over the years, I have moved from one job to the next trying to find the right fit. I have almost 10 years experience in manufacturing and almost 5 in QA inspection, but I keep trying to get out of it. Some how it keeps drawing me back in.

I am on week two of my two notice at another manufacturing company. I have a job lined up at a State Park near my house, I worked there a couple years ago and loved it. I am excited to get out of manufacturing again, hopefully I can stay away from it between my photography and the job at the park. I just feel like I can't give up on my dreams... every time I get sucked back into manufacturing I feel like I am getting further and further away from my dreams.

I am even thinking... mind you.... thinking of taking some on-line classes through NIC to get my bachelor's in Parks and Recreation Management. It's not Fish and Game, but it's along the same lines. Who knows, I am at the age now where I need to decide if I am going to have a kid in the next year or two or go back to school.

Let's see where life will take me, I know better than to tell God my plans.

I Can Do it!

My cat knocked down my curtain rod in the living room. They were hung pretty high to give the illusion of a bigger house (I don't know, I read it in a magazine or something). Any way, I can barely reach the bracket while standing on the back of the sofa. When things like this happen, I usually take advantage of having a tall husband. Well... not an option right now.

I almost left the curtains and rod out so that Dean could put it back up when he got home, but then I asked myself what did I do before him. So then I took a deep breath and tried not to kill my cat who kept playing with the curtains while I was trying to put them back up and failing miserably. Eventually, I got it.

Dean does almost everything faster and better than me, but I can still do almost everything he does it just takes longer and is usually harder for me to do. Tomorrow I have to chop up kindling and when I did it myself years ago (before Dean) I always used cedar because it was so much easier to split, he uses red fir and there is a big difference. What takes Dean 10 minutes to do will probably take me at least 30 minutes to do, that's okay! I can do it and maybe, just maybe, I will appreciate him that much more when he does it.

Spring is in the Air

Rain is good, it's melting all the snow and soon there will be green growing every where. I can't wait. We go on our charter fishing trip at the end of the month, it kicks off our spring every year.

This spring I want to go to the ORV park and get my jeep muddy, I want to do some bike riding, fishing and put in for Moose in April.

Things are looking up and I can't wait to get out my cave and do stuff, even if it means I have to mow the lawn.

Dean is Gone

Dean has been working in North Dakota for over a week now. I am doing fine, didn't really start missing him 'til this week. I like my space and I like cleaning the house and having nobody but me mess it up. I did miss him on my birthday. Working and not seeing anybody on your birthday is a little depressing. I could have gone to breakfast with my mom and sister, but I chose to sleep (graveyard has robbed me more than once).

So I decided, since Dean is gone, I'm not going to shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, use napkins, paint  my toe nails-finger nails-face, do my hair, or wear perfume 'til the day before he gets back. That way I can get away with living like a man while he's gone and then going back to a woman the day before he comes home. It might even be an upgrade for him, because I am pretty sure I didn't do half those things before he left.

My Lack of Faith

I wish I had more faith in Jesus. He has guided me and carried me through so many difficult times. There had been times when I thought he forgot about me and I found out later he had not forgotten about me at all, he just had his way of helping me.

I am in so much pain every single day, I start to loose faith and I hate that I doubt his love for me. I pray often for him to forgive me for my lack of faith and I ask him to help strengthen my faith.

I believe I will be healed and Jesus will answer my prayers and dry my tears. To speak it, is to believe it.

I thank God for Jesus!

Hickeys

A co-worker came in to work today with several hickeys. Ewww on so many levels. They were not covered by his shirt, but seemed like they could have been if the person giving the hickeys would have been a little more thoughtful to others. An inch would have made a huge difference for me. What I don't know, won't hurt... especially if it involves anyone other than my husband.
I don't know what other people think about hickeys, but I can't help but to stereo type when I see them. Several people around work have had them from time to time and I just don't get it. Is the person giving visible hickeys trying to mark their territory? Are they trying to hurt the other person by bursting blood vessels via suction? I don't get it..... why?

I am thinking of my dad and myself.

When my sister had my niece, my dad was in the room (at my sister's head). When Hailey came out, I chased her around the room taking pictures of her and I did not really focus on anything but her. My dad stayed with my sister. When the doctor asked him if he wanted to go be with the baby, he told them he was with his baby.
I really appreciate that part of my dad. He is not one of those grandparents that get lost in the grand kid and forgets all about his kids. Sometimes I feel I am put on the very back burner because I don't have any kids. I feel I am not enough to draw my mom in to spend time with me. I use to understand and be more supportive of the lack of time I spend with her when she is in town, but I am getting tired of being treated different because I don't have a kid.
Hey I tried, and for a minute I was pregnant and ready to embrace all that come with it, but it's not in the cards for me right now, what if it's never in the cards for me? Will I ever be a priority? It is so hard to get my mom to see my perspective.

I'm Thinking of Bobby

My brother is something... He is super talented at many things. He is athletic, smart, good at almost everything and in love with his family. Over the past year I have watched him support Becky as she pursues an education. He has taken the term dad and re-wrote the definition. He takes the kids and gives her space to do her homework. He is giving her every opportunity to succeed.
I am sure if I was a fly on the wall for some of his conversations with Becky he wouldn't look as heroic as he does to everyone else. What I mean by that is.... there has got to be a certain amount of venting and frustration that comes with the situation. I get it! All I know is that he does not complain about how hard it is to step up while Becky goes to school and I doubt many of us could be so supportive and not at least let out a verbal complaint from time to time about how hard he has it.
Dean told me he would divorce me if I decided to go back to school, he said he didn't sign up for that. So you can see how Bobby might be looking pretty Awesome for supporting Becky as well as he does.

Blogging is Therapy

I have written two short blogs and already feel better. I don't have any answers and still ponder on what is too come, but it's good to get this stuff out of my head and on the computer. When I wrote for the newspaper I hated that I could not give my opinion on any thing. Only facts... facts facts facts. I have so many opinions and thoughts that I plan on getting all out in this little blog thing I set up... watch out!

When I was Pregnant

The short time I was pregnant, I was so happy. I had meaning to life, I knew that there was something bigger than myself fixin' to come my way. I was so content and happy in my life, job and husband. Now... well let's just say nothing is right, maybe things are not right because I have P.M.S. again and did not miss it the two months I was without. Maybe it's because I am lost without a bigger purpose, maybe it's because I hate working graveyard it makes me very irritable, and unhappy I don't know. I miss being pregnant and want to be a mommy some day, but now is not the time, so in the mean time???