Things I miss

I miss the days when my dad still talk to his mom and we'd see her on a regular basis.

I miss being little and oblivious to the family problems that surrounded me.

I miss my grandpa and wish he could have met my nephew who carries his 4th generation name.

I miss granny and grand daddy who always showed great love for my family.

I miss when my dad would pick me up from school with his motorcycle.

I  miss the days when the Blackwells would gather around grandma and grandpa's fire pit and talk for hours and hours while us kids would play.

I miss Chapel in the Hills where I got baptized and met so many great people.

I miss Christmas at grandma and grandpa Turner's house.

I miss Mervyns Department Store.

I miss the smell Monsoons in Tucson.

I miss the Conyers. You couldn't ask for better neighbors.

I miss Friday nights when my mom would bring home pizza after work.

I miss my mom.

I won't give up

I was driving home from Spokane last night and my jeep started to miss and run like crap. It stalled at an intersection and luckily it fired up again so I was able to make it home, but it had me pretty stressed out. So I went to my uncle Mike's house today to do a diagnostic check. 

He helped me identify that I needed to do a tune up and also change the Throttle Positioning Sensor and I should be good to go.

So I got the parts I needed and started to get to work. The tune up was pretty easy, but changing the sensor was another story. I did the tune up first because I thought it would be harder than the sensor change. The sensor has two screws and all I had to do was change out the sensor. Sounds easy right? Wrong.

It's funny how when you're feeling pretty good about something, something else always knocks you down.

I had a million hex wrenches to work with, but zero torx so I had to borrow one from the neighbor. He was great and let me borrow a torx bit. I used it and I also broke it. I had to give it back to him busted up. The screws were rusted tight, but I managed to loosen one.  The other one would not budge, therefore breaking his bit.

Then I went and bought a torx key set and torx bits and tried again. No Luck. I spent a long time trying and trying again to break the screw loose, but nothing. At this point I am really really missing Dean.

I sprayed some WD40 on the screw and I will try again tomorrow, but I will not give up.

I will love you anyway

I've loved you for long long time. I have thought of you and imagined what you will become since Dean's big brown eyes came into my life and I knew he was the one for me.

I've loved you for so long, I can't imagine my life without you. It's hard to have patience and wait for you and sometimes I wonder if you will ever come, but I will love you anyway.

I see you in my three nephews and one niece. I see you in their laughter and love for me. I see you in Dean's eyes and personality. I imagine you to be great and special like the four other children in my life.

I have loved you for so long, I am saddened you are not here, but when it's time, I will be here waiting with arms wide open.

I am here, you are there, but I've loved you for a long long time.

The End of The World

According to the news, there are a small group of people who believe tomorrow will be the Apocalypse, the rapture, the Armageddon, the end.

I don't really believe that tomorrow (my nephew's birthday) will be the end, mostly because I believe that when the end is here and Jesus comes back, it will be when we least expect it, "like a thief in the night". Although, you never know...........

My mind says there is no way tomorrow is the end, but my stomach has butterflies. I have a bit of anxiety,  fear that if the Lord does come tomorrow, I will not be ready.

I fear God in the way I feared my parents as a child when I did something wrong. I knew there were consequences for my actions with my parents, just as I know that without mercy and forgiveness there will be consequences for my sins.

I honestly doubt tomorrow is the end, but if it is, I pray for forgiveness and mercy on my soul.

But, if it's not the end, may I live each day as if it were the last and pray more, love more and do more to represent Christ.

I take you with me

When I hunt, I think of my dad because I share his passion and he took me when I was growing up.

When I ride my dirt bike I think of Bobby because he has supported and encouraged me to ride with him.

When I give, I think of my mom because she gives generously.

When I bake, I think of Jolenda because she loves to share her baked goodies.

When I braid my hair, I think of my grandma because she taught me how.

When I buy little gifts for people, I think of Becky, because she has taught me (by example) to take a minute and get someone a little something if you can.

When I loan things out, I think of Tyrel because he has loaned me many things throughout the years and I appreciate all his help.

When I go grocery shopping, I think of Cheryl because she loves to shop for food and cook for others.

Everyday, no matter what I do I take a little bit of everyone I know with me. Thank you all for giving me gifts that last long after the giving.

All I know is that I don't want to go, not yet.

I have a tough time with the thought of dying.

I know older people (older than me and well past 65) that seem to have excepted the fact that they are in or are approaching the winter of their life. I often wonder if it's because they have experienced the death of parents, uncles/aunts, husband/wife, siblings and friends or if they have just excepted the inevitable.

I also wonder if maybe they believe they will get to see their loved ones again, so this helps with the process.

I love the Lord Jesus Christ very much and I want to be with him always... in life and death, but excepting the concept of death is hard for me, as I am sure it is for other people.

Maybe I don't want to go because of all my sins, maybe because I am not sure the Lord will take me, maybe because I feel I have way too much to change and work on to die any time soon..... I don't know exactly.

All I do know is that if I out live my parents, uncles/aunts, husband, brother or sister, and friends, I may become more open minded to dying because I can't imagine life without them.

God's Children

It occurred to me long ago, that we are all God's children.

Therefore, when someone is annoying, selfish, stupid, dumb, delusional, oblivious, rude, mean and basically human.....    

I try to tell myself....

"Jesus loves this person, they are my family in Christ. Jesus loves this person, they are my family in Christ. Jesus loves this person, they are my family in Christ. Jesus loves this person, they are my family in Christ.

again again over and over.

I am still having a problem absorbing this realization, but one day it will click and I will have love, patience and kindness for all God's children.